Rediscovering Reality

I’m not sure if you’ve heard the hype over the last couple months, but apparently there’s a book out called Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll.  Here are my thoughts after reading it….

It seems that most people either love or hate this book.  To be honest, I’m somewhere in the middle.  I’ve read quite a few marriage books, which is weird coming from a single guy, buy hey, whatever.  Lets go chapter by chapter here:

Chapter 1 -New Marriage, Same Spouse: The Driscolls are very open in this chapter (maybe too open?) yet helpful.  They talk about their story.  One of the really strong points is the difference between ignorance and naivety.  Talk about some of the problems of being life partners instead of lovers and friends.

Chapter 2 - Friend with Benefits: This was an awesome chapter.  A lot of books on marriage don’t talk about the importance of friendship - the Driscolls do.  I appreciate that.

Chapter 3 - Men and Marriage: “There is nothing wrong with being a boy, so long as you are a boy.  But there is a lot wrong with being a boy when you are supposed to be a man” (43).  Let’s be honest, who didn’t expect a “man up” chapter in the book.  But it’s nicely written.  Mark talks about men as producers, not consumers, both tough and tender.  Also speaks to how to properly honor a wife.

Chapter 4 - The Respectful Wife: I’m not a wife and will never be a wife, but from what I know about what a wife is supposed to be, Grace seems to hit the nail on the head.  She talks about how to respect a husband and explains submission.

Chapter 5 - Taking Out the Trash: Conflict will come (married people, is this true?), so this chapter says how to deal wit hit.  Lots on repentance and forgiveness, and a good section on bitterness (“The true test of whether or not we are bitter is our tongues” [95]). 

Chapter 6 - Sex: God, Gross, or Gift?: Well written, and for the most part tasteful, however there were a few places where I felt really awkward reading this chapter in Starbucks… Strongest point I thought was that “your standard of beauty is your spouse” (109).

Chapter 7 - Disgrace and Grace: 1/4 women and 1/6 men are sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, this chapter talks about dealing with this pain.  I really do disagree with some of the counseling methods Driscoll gives here (Asking the Holy Spirit to restore memories of it so you can be cleansed, for example.  I think God blesses people with forgetting the situation).

Chapter 8 - The Porn Path: A good explanation of the evils of pornography that only Driscoll can get away with writing.  Really strong and informative chapter, including interviews with an ex-porn star and Ted Bundy.

Chapter 9/10 - Selfish Lovers and Servant Lovers/ Can We ____?: From other reviews I read, it seemed these chapters are where the controversy about crossing the line lays.  I was told it isn’t helpful, uplifting, or edifying to read them.  I followed this advice, so I’m not sure if it’s true advice or not.

Chapter 11 -Reverse-Engineering Your Life and Marriage: Really strong and helpful chapter talking about how to plan a marriage (and life in general).  I’ll use a lot of the stuff in this chapter, even though I’m not married, because it is very applicable.

Final thoughts - as you can see, I did find this book quite helpful.  Granted, I did skip the two controversial, juicy chapters, but everything else was quite balanced and biblical.  Sure, there were things I disagreed with, but there was a lot of other really good stuff.  I don’t think this will be my go-to book on marriage - I’ve read better ones, but it is certainly a helpful read.  I’m going 4 out of 5 stars.

Confession from the outset - I had this as a review copy from the publisher, and then my phone was reset and I lost it about half way through. So, I did not get through the entire book. However, what I read did prove to be helpful.

Conway does not pretend that this is a book about the doctrine of hell, it is a book about “love wins” that inevitably speaks to the doctrine of hell. He speaks as one filled with grace and truth, never mocking Bell or diminishing him. Ultimately, he says “The most unloving thing I could do is hold out false hope or go mute about this awful, endless reality.” The book itself does refute many of Bell’s misapplications of scripture and shows a proper interpretation. He is not bashful in calling out what is wrong and seeking to correct those views.

Whether or not you have read “Love Wins,” this is a helpful book to read to understand some of the faulty teachings on eternity floating around in the church and culture.

One of my favorite movies, A River Runs Through It It begins with the narrator saying “Long ago, when I was a young man, my father said to me, “Norman, you like to write stories.” And I said “Yes, I do.” Then he said, “Someday, when you’re ready you might tell our family story. Only then will you understand what happened and why…”’ 

In After Adams, Lambert gives a succinct and excellent evaluation of the last forty years of biblical counseling. It combines first class scholarship with a passion to help people with the gospel of Jesus Christ, a combination that is both informing and edifying to the reader. Lambert claims that his book “is about a group that has spent the last four decades trying to help the church figure out how to have conversations with troubled people in a way that is most faithful to the Scriptures and most honoring to Jesus Christ” (48). This claim proves true as he shows what has changed and has been held firm in the second generation leaders of the biblical counseling movement. In a sense, he looks at the family history of the Biblical Counseling Movement and tells the family story, so that we can understand what happened and why.

Lambert begins by giving nine reasons that counseling diminished for one hundred years between the puritans and Adams, ranging from theological issues such as revivalism and fundamentalism to practical, cultural influences like the economic changes from the industrial revolution. These nine points give the context to understand the world that Adams worked in, thus help in understanding his ministry. Next After Adams moves to discussing the advances in how counselors think about counseling. Chiefly, these advances include the focus on suffering in addition to sin with the second generation being more sensitive to suffering, as well as advances in the area of motivation. While Adams places sin at the center of motivation, second generation counselors focus on idols of the heart. When speaking of advances in methodology, Lambert cites three continuations (information gathering, instruction, and implementation) of Adams’ methods, along with advancement in relationship between counselor and counselee. In the last of the main chapters, Lambert claims that apologetics have changed over eight key meetings, but there is still much room for advancement. Chapter five serves as a defense against Dr. Eric Johnson’s critique of the biblical counseling movement that puts traditional biblical counseling (first generation) and progressive biblical counseling (second generation, for the most part) against each other. Lambert shows that though their emphasis and tone may be different, their position on sufficiency is the same. After Adams concludes by giving the main area in the biblical counseling movement that still needs improvement - idolatry, especially in its relation to self-exaltation. 

Overall, Lambert does an excellent job of explaining how and why the biblical counseling movement has changed since the work of Adams. Through the three main chapters, he adequately explains the changes in theory, methodology, and apologetics. Furthermore, the supplemental chapters dealing with the cultural and theological reasons for the neglect of counseling, the defense against Johnson, and path forward do not necessarily show advancements in the movement, but are helpful in understanding why it looks and functions the way it does. Perhaps one of the greatest strengths of the book is Lambert’s distinction between what Adams believed and taught. Several times, Lambert affirms that Adams acknowledged certain truths such as suffering (52), authority (88), and affection in counseling (92), yet does not emphasize them in his writing. For one who believes “methodology and practice plainly reveal what’s truly central to a theory,” (81) this distinction between belief and emphasis is insightful and helpful to understanding Adam’s work.

In Conclusion, The Biblical Counseling Movement After Adams accomplishes its goal of explaining how the group of counselors has moved forward in ministering the gospel of Jesus Christ to broken, hurting people. It is both informative and inspiring, showing the reader how far the movement has come and the great work the giants of the first and second generation have accomplished and also pleads with the reader to continue on with the task. This book comes highly recommended, especially to students who read the works of many leaders because it helps to make a connection between the thoughts and emphases of each author. Furthermore, it builds somewhat of a reverence for the counseling task and a great appreciation for those giants whose shoulders we now stand on.